Day 20 #NHBPM: A Health Moment I Regret

Prompts: A health moment I regret or Write about alternative treatments/regimens/medicine.

There is a tiny scar on the third knuckle of my right hand. To most eyes it is invisible, but I always see it, and I remember the night that I got it.  The night had started out like any other college Friday night – my boyfriend of 3 months picked me up from my apartment – we went to dinner, had a few drinks, enjoyed dessert, took in a movie, and spent a few hours at the local bar.  Given that we had to be up early for a football game the following morning, we opted to swing by the local Krystal’s with the hopes that the burgers would absorb the alcohol in our system.  6 cheese Krystal’s later, we got into a stupid fight which ended in me slamming the door in his face, and barricading myself in my bathroom (so that my roommate wouldn’t hear my crying).

As I set on the tan rug, I felt literally sick to my stomach – sick from the alcohol, sick from the greasy burgers, sick from the anxiety and stress of the fight.  And I remember thinking “I wish I could just make this feeling go away.”  At the time, I thought the feeling was just physical illness.  I would later learn that it was feeling of inadequacy, a lack of control and power in my own life.  The moments creeped slowly by and the feeling intensified.  I began to think about the conversations I had overheard in the student center locker rooms – sorority girls talking about how they’d eat ice cream and then throw it up so they could fit into their dresses for formal.  I thought “Why not?”.

I shoved 3 of my fingers down my throat.  The force with which I vomited was unexpected; I raked my knuckles across my teeth causing a deep gash. I covered that gash with a band-aid and a story of cutting it with a knife trying to chop vegetables.

It’s been 11 years since that night, that gash healed into the nearly invisible scar I have today. But it is a reminder of the moment that I will forever regret and a testimony to just how far I have come.

 Do you have a health moment that you regret?

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