Finding My Want-To

I have gained and lost weight dozens of times since my teenage years. I know my body – the foods that it feels best on, the workouts that challenge it without exhausting it, the workouts that I hate. Losing weight has never been about finding my “how-to”.

No, the journey has been a struggling to find my “want-to”. In college, I wanted to lose weight to impress my boyfriend, then to keep my eating disorder demons at bay. Post-college, I was in a relationship and happy, so I didn’t want to lose weight. Then came an engagement ring and a marriage proposal, suddenly my want to was about fitting into a wedding dress. After my daughter was born, the stress of working full-time, being a wife, and a new mom kept my weight at a low number, so I didn’t really have to work at staying healthy.

Fast forward 3 years, and suddenly I have no desire to lose weight or live the healthy lifestyle that I loved for so long. But the cold-hard truth is, I need to get a grip. For the past few months, I have been eating larger than normal portions of foods that aren’t good for me, eating in secret, and labeling myself disgusting, ugly things in my head.

All of those behaviors remind me of my days in bulimia HELL.

I have no desire to live thru that again.

So one night, broken down in mind, body, and spirit, I began to pray (IMPORTANT SIDENOTE: I am a born-again Christian, who believes in Jesus Christ*). I asked the Lord to show me how I could defeat these demons once and for all.

The next morning I found the book “Made to Crave” by Lysa TerKeurst. Here how the publisher describes this book:

“Just because a woman finally fits into her skinny jeans doesn’t mean she’s won her battle with food. Too often, women overlook the spiritual component to their physical struggle with healthy eating. Made to Crave taps into the desires God gave you to consume food without letting food consume you! Made to Crave is the missing link between a woman’s desire to be healthy and the spiritual empowerment necessary to make that happen. The reality is we were made to crave. Craving isn’t a bad thing. But we must realize God created us to crave more of him. Many of us have misplaced that craving by overindulging in physical pleasures instead of lasting spiritual satisfaction. If you are struggling with unhealthy eating habits, you can break the “I’ll start again Monday” cycle, and start feeling good about yourself today. Learn to stop beating yourself up over the numbers on the scale. Discover that your weight loss struggle isn’t a curse but rather a blessing in the making, and replace justifications that lead to diet failure with empowering go-to scripts that lead to victory. You can reach your healthy weight goal – and grow closer to God in the process. This is not a how-to book. This is not the latest and greatest dieting plan. This book is the necessary companion for you to use alongside whatever healthy lifestyle plan you choose.”
I have only read a few of the chapters in Made to Crave and already I am learning how to use Scripture, prayer, and the Holy Spirit to combat my cravings and unhealthy desires.

Do I think God is going to let me wake up tomorrow at my goal weight?

No way!

Does this mean that I can eat the chocolate, the ice cream, and skip my workouts?

Not a chance!

I still have to eat healthy and exercise. But now, it is about more than the size of my jeans, the number on my scale, or my doctor’s opinion of my overall healthy. I want to do this as a means to honor my Lord and Savior. And that my friend is a great source of strength and motivation for the journey.

Tomorrow I’ll share with you the workouts I am doing these days, and talk about the foods I am eating. In the mean time, tell me what you think? Is living a healthy lifestyle more than just a physical process?

*Please be respectful of my beliefs. Any rude, mean, or inappropriate comment will be deleted.



I’m Back

Over a month ago, I posted that I felt my time of blogging her at “Redefining Kim” had run it’s course. I said I wanted to focus on blogging at my family blog – sharing stories of marriage and motherhood.

And I have.

But it has always felt like something was missing.

And it was…but I just could not define what.

Yesterday as I checked Twitter before my morning commute, I saw dozens of tweets about FitBloggin. Reading those tweets had my heart hurting and tears feeling my eyes.

Suddenly it was clear what was missing.

My community.

I was missing the dozens of friends I made at Fitbloggin last year, the connections that I created thru this blog.

So I’m back.

Things will be different this go round. I am blogging with no strings attached, no demands on myself, no secrets or agendas. My posts will be open, honest (I’ll share about the days where giving into my bingeing demons is tempting), and possibly infrequent (I would rather be experiencing my healthy living journey than blogging about it).

But I started this blog a year ago because I thought I had a message to share, and I still feel that way. And now, I realize that I also have a place in a wonderful community of passionate, inspiring, amazing, awesome, ROCK-STAR fab people…and I want to reclaim that place.